Chapter five: Alan Rick, the super prick

“I want you to hear the quiet,” a man’s gentle voice whispered in my ear. “Breathe in the quiet,” he said whispering closer. This was beginning to violate my personal space.  My eyes fluttered in an urge to open up. “Keep your eyes closed.” The voice warned. A moment passed and the voice asked, “Feel the energy.” I checked my thought process. Nope, nothing going on.

“Can you-” he paused dramatically. “Feel it?”

“Uh,” I said trying to say something elegant. Maybe this wouldn’t feel so disingenuous if there weren’t a bunch of videographers and photographers surrounding me with their unusually quiet set of reporters.

“Focus,” he whispered. “Focus on the energy flowing through you.”

“Uh…” this was getting annoying but I promised I’d try anything. Why did I have to do it while being interviewed? Fuck.

“Call on the great spirit,” he paused once again. “Invoke it.” They shipped him in from Sedona, Arizona. Alan Rick sported dread locks with his personally created ‘spirit’ beads that helped him ‘channel.’ He also, for some reason I couldn’t quite understand, always wore blue Hawaiian shirts despite living in the desert.

He volunteered as the first of many, many so called experts. Each time I would get paid and the station would take care of all expenses. I regret every second of this. “Invoke it.” He said stronger. His breath stank of rank weed and mouth wash. Call it women’s intuition but something tells me the reporters will not be adding that little fact in.

“Like, verbally.”

“Uh,” I said. “I-“

“Feeling it. I know. It’s intense.”

“Well-” I started.

“Call it-” He said louder.

“I-” I’m not feeling anything.

“Call the great dolphin spirit!”

“N-” does this guy ever let anyone get a word in edgewise.

“Great dolphin! Come forth! Call it now while the energy is with us!” He shouted.

“You’re right!” I gasped. “I’m calling it!”

“Call it!” He screamed. My eyes popped open watching Alan arch his back and yell at the sky. I’ve had enough.

“Bullshit! I call forth the spirit of bullshit.” He stopped startled. “This is bullshit.” His jaw dropped and he stared at me. “I’m done. We’ve been doing this for over two hours and I don’t remember anything.”

“You just haven’t invoked the spirit. ” He said with accusing eyes.

“The great dolphin?”

“It is the wisest of all spirits.” He claimed passionately.

“We’re in the middle of the forest miles away from the ocean. How do dolphins fit in here?!”

“The spirit fits in everywhere!” He yelled pointing at me.

“Oh, it fits somewhere alright.” I yelled back at him pointing my finger. “Up your ass alongside your head.” He opened up his mouth to retort but it was my turn to cut him off.  “Is this what gets you off? Manipulating people that come to you for help? Fuck off, you Charlatan bastard.” I stormed off heading toward my car. Flashes and questions bombarded me. Little did I know this was the first of many, this circus was just starting.

I curled up tighter in bed. I should have told Brandon no and no way in hell. He had set everything but all I could think of was my face splattered across newspaper pages telling people to fuck off. This was not the way I wanted to start off my hang over.